DEAD PARROT

CEO (Banker): Bank's closin' for a clean-up of all its assets 'n liabilities.
Mr. Praline (regulator): Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this 'ere bank what we purchased half of not half a day ago in this very office.
CEO: Oh yes, the, uh, our FN bank...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. The General Ledger, it's insolvent, that's what's wrong with it!
CEO: No, no, 'e's uh,...it's squeezed, gone off-balance, it's the credit crunch.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead bank when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now; it's my job.
CEO: No no it's not dead, er insolvent, it's, it's re-settlin'! Remarkable bank, the FN, isn'it, ay? Beautiful assets!
Mr. Praline: The assets don't enter into it. It's insolvent, stone dead, unable to trade, can't meet obligations.
CEO: Nononono, no, no! We're settling, rebalancing, talking to creditors!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if you're settlin' current liabilities, I'll re-settle some right now, this way up! (finger pointing at the balance sheet) 'Ello, ello, what do we see 'ere for the general ledger! Our generous fresh liquidity injection for you; where is it now, can you show me if you're solvent... (thumps the table)
CEO: There, see that, we've paid for all that with it and proved those estimates!
Mr. Praline: No, you didn't, that's a lie, was you using our cash to make up the collateral figures to be higher!
CEO: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
CEO: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the accounts ledger repeatedly) 'ELLO 'ELLO THEN WHERE'S THE ACTUAL COLLATERAL!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! are you receiving? This is your audit calling. It's an INSOLVENCY alarm call! (Takes a page out of the ledger and tosses it to the head of the table, up in the air and watches it drift to the floor.) Now that's what I call a dead bank!... You got nothing to say?
CEO: No, no.....No, I'm just stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
CEO: Yeah! Your remark stunned me, just as we're reviving the business, getting back up again. We're too big to fail! We bankers in these turbulent times are proud of our history and sensitive to criticisms, and yes I'm stunned; we stun easily, Mr Regulator.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. Your bank is definitely insolvent, deceased, and when I purchased half of it not 'alf a day ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement, in fact even reducing liabilities ratio to assets was due only to your accounts people not getting the true figures!
CEO: The new CFO bein' tired and shagged out, we all have, following a prolonged run on the bank's share price. Well, he's...we's, ah...probably pining for the old days, way it was before all this Basel II capital reserve stuff, RWA, PD and all that.
Mr. Praline: PININ' FOR THE OLD DAYS BEFORE BASEL II, YOU DON'T EVEN MEET BASEL I REQUIREMENTS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did ALL the profit disappear the moment we got the to see the current accounts?
CEO: The Netherlands bank prefers t'keep sweating its assets to the max! Remarkable bank, id'nit, squire? Lovely assets, very valuable!
Mr. Praline: Look you, I took the liberty of examining those accounts when I got the 49% deal signed, and we discovered the only reason that the bank appears profitable in the first place was that you've been LYING there, there, and there! (pause)
CEO: Well, fair value o'course; it was estimated there at fair value! If we hadn't estimated that at fair value, it would have eaten up all our capital, rent the business asunder, and no VROOM VROOM anymore! Faretheeweel bank, bank gone!
Mr. Praline: "VROOM"?!? Mate, this bank wouldn't "vroom" if you put forty billion Euros through it! It's bankrott, bleedin' capital's gone, equity dematerialised!
CEO: No no! It's only a capital reserve thingy; we're refinancing!
Mr. Praline: You're not refinancin'! 'You've bled to death, unpaid debts passed on to us! This bank is no more! It has ceased to be! Your license's expired and gone to meet its granter, us! We've bin stiffed on yesterday's deal! You're bereft of capital totally, the rest, what's of value, is in pieces! If you hadn't misrepresented the accounts, the bank'd be buried, pushing up the daisies already, maybe sold to someone better, safer! Its operations in this country far as you're concerned are now 'istory! You're off our authorised banking list! You've kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, it's curtains for you, you've just become a shadow bank, joined the choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-BANK!!
Apologies to Fortis - NOT!